Journal Entry Thirteen
On Death and Dying
In Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' 1969 book she enumerates five stages of grief. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
There is much discussion about whether there is an order to these five stages, and whether all five impact everyone. There is, however, a general acceptance of the list itself.
I continually feel denial, anger, depression, and acceptance, depending on my mood. Bargaining is when one appeals to God, luck, or doctors to be allowed to survive. It may also be a time when some of us experiment with alternative means of treatment. (A quick web search will identify many opportunities for terminal patients to be separated from their money. Most are ridiculously expensive and, well, ridiculous.)
I may attempt to bargain as my end draws nearer, but the bargaining will be within myself. Do I want invasive surgery and a machine that breathes for me to prolong my life until a particular event? It is too early to know whether that will come.
It may seem odd to experience denial and acceptance at the same time, but I accept my impending death at the same time that I still -- even after two years -- believe this can't be happening to me. In my dreams each night I still walk. In my dreams each day I still walk.
I imagine that any remaining denial will disappear as my departure becomes more imminent.
I never really pinned down at whom or what I was angry.
Depression? That awful all –consuming demon attacks often, leaving me crying in Julie's arms.
